Category: <span>Marriage</span>

WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN WANT TO MARRY

WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN WANT TO MARRY, WHAT ARE THE CONNECTIONS BETWEEN TRADITIONAL/CULTURAL VALUES, AND CHURCH OR CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES?

When the marriage discussion crops us regarding traditional or cultural values versus Christian principles, and the arguments or opinions begin to fly east and west across the board, then we need to critically examine all the facts in the Bible as our primary source, carefully analyze our traditional and cultural values, discard outmoded and ungodly ones by testing them against true Biblical principles, explore all the intended and unintended consequences of our actions in the past, and constructively appraise the success stories of our marriages with honest intentions that are free of carnal compromises.

What some of us understand and believe is that you should first obey the Lord by accepting Jesus as your personal Savior and Lord, and follow it up with a demonstration of your commitment to God by submitting to parental and family authority and perform the required customary rites, in order for the woman’s family to grant (both of you) the permission to have the woman as your wife (or have the man as your husband) traditionally, and culturally.
Seriously speaking it still falls within the confines of Christian obedience, for a true Believer to adhere to the commandment of God that strictly charges children to obey their parents and show maximum respect to their elders. God, then, expects the gentleman and the lady to engage in pure courtship (free of sin, especially sexual sin), and allow their families and the Lord to put them together properly with legal permission and God’s blessing before living together and engaging in any sexual activities for a sexual union.

After the parental consent you MUST bless the marriage before God as a Christian. Non-Christians have no relationship with Christ, and are not considered by the Bible as Children of God with God’s Spirit living in them and controlling their affairs. Unbelievers do not therefore have any objective to do God’s will according to the Bible, so Christians should be very careful how they copy them, or how they lightheartedly dilute our cherished Christian holy and righteous standards by thinking and acting like people of the world who do not know God.

We must realize that the first thing God did to the first couple (Adam and Eve) was to bless them (Genesis 1:28). This is a major reason why we must bless all marriages in the Presence of Almighty God who is the author and creator of marriage, and who alone has the right to give instructions about marriage.
In the Book of 1Timothy 4:4, 5, God tells us that everything in this world is sanctified by the word of God and prayer. God instructs us in 1 Corinthians 7:39 that we must marry only in the Lord (according to God’s divine will and instructions, and calling upon Him to take charge of the marriage).
A marriage should therefore be respectfully blessed before God with utmost reverence exhibited by the man and woman, and the process must be directed and executed by a Minister of Jesus Christ. Our God is a God of order, and will NOT accept anything that violates His divine order.

With all the arguments and confusion about weddings, the real idea is “blessing of a marriage”, which is a term that should be used, just in case people find the term “wedding” too foreign or too elaborate to subscribe to. However, the concept of “wedding” is scriptural, especially when we read that Jesus attended a wedding in St. John chapter 2 and thereby sanctified the ceremony and made it wholly acceptable.

If, however, the people marrying do not want a formal wedding in a church sanctuary, they can discuss with their Minister or Pastor and have a simple blessing, in accordance with established principles of the Minister or the particular church.
I have handed over a sister before (who had no relatives around the US) in 1995 during a 15-minute simple marriage blessing ceremony when I was an Elder in Glad Tidings Assembly of God Church in the Bronx (New York City) on a Sunday immediately following the morning service. I participated in a similar short and simple but spiritually solemn ceremony after I had preached at a morning service at Trinity Baptist Church in West Norwood in London in the year 2001.
In both cases, the Pastors involved took the prospective couple through a period of pre-marital counseling (which is very necessary) before blessing the marriage. Vows and rings were exchanged nicely without any flamboyant parades, and the couples are still happily married today.
Some people also take the Minister along to a Court House where they go to register the marriage, and submit to God’s authority by letting the Minister bless the marriage there formally, with the exchange of vows and rings.

Others bless their marriages formally and exchange all the rings (engagement and wedding rings) at the engagement or customary rites ceremony. In such a case the two people must be present. The man, for example, cannot be overseas or in a distant city, and send his family to perform the customary rites, and work out for the lady to join him for the two people to start living together and engaging in sexual activity immediately the woman arrives. That is NOT right in the eyes of a holy God. But, we can kill our consciences, argue our way through, and do whatever our desires tell us to do, and bear the final consequences.
If the man (who is expected to be the wise leader in the relationship) cannot exercise enough self-control and wait for a few weeks for them to be counseled adequately and make plans for their pastor to formally join him together with his fiancée, then they should consult their pastor and make whatever plans that could be put in place for them to possibly shorten the initial counseling period for a blessing to take place, and for the counseling to be continued after the marriage blessing or wedding ceremony.

Any form of blessing at an engagement or customary rite (traditional marriage) ceremony has to be properly arranged with the Minister for a formal and decisive process to be enacted where the two people are properly joined together with scripture and vows plus serious prayer, and pronounced husband and wife in a solemn fashion without making it appear casual and lackadaisical as if it is cheap sexual friendship that they are embarking on to merely enjoy each other for fun, make money together, acquire property, and have children for their benefit and prestige.

The Western world has a simple engagement between the man and woman without parental permission or any ceremony, but Africans and some other cultures (including Jews) take their engagement as traditional marriage. That is why Joseph was contemplating “divorce” for Mary when he realized that she was pregnant (by the Holy Spirit) after their engagement, although they had not yet slept together (Mathew 1: 18, 19). That is even an example to teach us that a legal and formal engagement (traditional marriage ceremony) does not warrant sexual activity between the two people before the entire marriage procedures have been completed according to God’s laws.

The word “engagement” was only borrowed by Africans etc. to name their traditional ceremony in the English language, just as Africans have borrowed words like “brother” and “sister” which mean more than blood relations pertaining to the same father and same mother in, for example, Ghanaian language in Africa.
Many Africans do not have strict differentiation in their language for “cousin” etc. but simply say, for example in the Ghanaian Twi language, “me nua” (my brother, or sister) which in English will be biological “brother” or “sister”, which does not therefore mean the same for an English-speaking person.
The use of “engagement” is not wrong as the name of the traditional marriage ceremony for educated ones in the African culture, because no African regards the process as a light ceremony without commitment, although calling the ceremony “engagement” might cause some people to think that it is simple, but it is actually customary marriage.

We, as committed saints and children of Almighty God, should note, however, that the customary marriage is NOT complete for the man and woman to engage in sexual activity, and for them to immediately consummate the marriage without allowing God to give them His final blessing. Christians should not just consider an end to everything in the marriage process because they have performed all the elaborate customary rites, without the completion of the process with the exchange of vows and proper blessing of the marriage before God Almighty.

If people ignorantly got stuck only to the culture they knew in the past without strict adherence to spiritual principles, and God apparently forgave them because of their ignorance, it does not permit those of us who live in this present age with adequate knowledge to intentionally refuse to do and teach the right thing, and try to use our old example in our time of ignorance to tell others that they should do things the way we did them because God accepted us anyhow. In this modern era, the young ones are far sophisticated than the older generation, and any misstep or careless counsel that deviates from strict Biblical principles will take them miles away from what is moral, upright, and spiritual, and create marital havoc plus family tragedies for generations to come.
Opinions may differ, but the scriptures cannot lie, and any violation of what God has set out in His word for obedience cannot be changed.

“The times of ignorance God overlooked, BUT NOW He commands everyone everywhere to repent (change and do the right thing)”(Acts 17:30).

Over the years I have encountered (and continue to encounter) the cited example of Isaac and Rebecca as the classic example of how we should marry (referred to, especially by people who do not want to bless their marriages the Bible or church way).

I have always asked myself: What about references to all the other scriptures regarding God’s instructions on general Biblical principles for God’s approval of things He has instituted to be strictly observed, total instructions about marriage, vows, and God’s ordinances and sacraments? Why do we focus only on one chapter in the Bible and ignore all the other verses of scripture, and several injunctions and admonitions of scripture that instruct us to conduct our business according to godly principles?

I know that it is really difficult for anyone to be very Biblical, if the person was raised up in deep traditions and cultural values of his or her environment without any balance with true and thorough Biblical training and application of total scripture for daily living. Culture and traditions, if not carefully tested against scripture, can tragically (and fatally) blind the victim. It has even happened to Ministers of the gospel, and other men and women of God, and leaders in society who rushed into ministry and ambitious leadership without God’s proper calling or preparation for what they impulsively plunged themselves into.

Anyone who was trained to be more religious than spiritually Christian, will adhere more to tradition and all the positives and negatives of his or her prevailing traditional values than adherence to strict holy principles of scripture. A church, Christian group, or organization can neglect, ignore, misinterpret, compromise, misquote, or even refuse to observe what exactly God says and means in His word as a whole, and simply pick bits and pieces of scripture, twist and bend the ideas to suit their way of living or church regulations, and still call it “Church or ministry acceptance and way of doing things.”
This is what the church of Jesus Christ is suffering from in several quarters and in many respects today. No wonder many churches have become “toothless bull dogs” whose cutting edge is woefully blunt or lost, and have become more societal and powerless organs that accumulate religious and half-baked believers, rather than the Holy Spirit channel for the demonstration of God’s love, holiness, and power for the expansion of God’s Kingdom on earth that challenges the devil and the enemies of the Cross of Christ.

Jesus hit the nail right on the head when He emphasized: “Why do you also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition? You have therefore made the commandment of God of no effect (nullified God’s commandment) by your tradition” (Mathew 15:3, 6).

Some people have the excuse of considering themselves FULLY married and able to indulge in sex after the normal customary rites (traditional marriage), and especially if any casual prayers were offered at the ceremony.
No wonder the unbelievers in our families do not see much fire of God and devotion to God’s covenant in us, and are not drawn by the power of God and our devotion to follow us to church and seek for the power of God, because they can see that some Believers take the things of their God very lightly, and even mislead the non-Christians to take godly things lightly as well, which causes them to feel that they are spiritually casual like us (the true Believers).

Rebecca and Isaac had no Jesus living in them at that time, and God led them by His Spirit but in a different fashion. They lived in a time when only Old Testament revelation was in place, and this was even at the beginning of time when God was gradually preparing mankind for His salvation plan through Abraham and his descendants, and when the Israelites had not even multiplied and been gathered to received the Ten Commandments from God.
If you study the scripture carefully you can see that there was a proper parental consent and family send-off, and Rebecca put on a veil, implying that it was a ceremonial custom of some kind which had a godly basis and was recorded for us to follow godly patterns OF OUR DAY just as they did FOR THEIR DAY.

Look at the way God inspired His will for Isaac through spiritual revelation to the father Abraham, and how it was given as a message to Abraham to be given as elaborate instruction and prophetic utterances to Abraham’s servant (Genesis 24:1-9).
See how the servant was led by God to get the wife for Isaac after following the strict instructions (Genesis 24:10-27), and see how the servant rejoiced at God’s leading (Genesis 24:26, 27).
How many of the people who argue and make themselves “Isaacs’ and ‘Rebeccas’ know even a fraction of God’s leading from start to finish in this manner for their marriage plans?

How many of the Christian marriages are really shining for God, with the couple knowing God’s will for their lives? How many know what ministry God has for them and why God brought them together, and are fervently serving the Lord as required of them by God?
Even some couples who are pastors, elders, deacons, ministry leaders, evangelists, and prominent Christian leaders in our society do not read the Bible and pray together as a couple. Some pastors do not even study the Bible together and take joint decisions together with their wives! Solemn!
Why do we have so many failed and unhappy marriages these days after our numerous excuses of “marrying the right way according to Isaac and Rebecca” or “the way we view the process of marriage in the traditional sense”?
Are people dodging commitment to holy principles of God in their relationships, and therefore having little or no Hand of God following them in their marriages?

In Genesis 24:63 Isaac was in meditation and prayer before God when Rebecca was brought to him with a veil on. Do we know what God told Isaac during his communion with God as the woman came along? I believe that every man who marries should do the same — go into prayer and let God talk to you as the leader of the family and Head of your wife, so that whatever decision you take after that will not condemn you before God when you stand before Him on the Judgment Day.

You can give any excuse and offer any explanation you want for the manner in which you secretly and publicly went through the processes for your marriage, but finally it is between you and God!

We should also be very careful how we compare Old Testament processes (when Jesus was not living in the people) with New Testament enlightenment and instructions (when the Sprit of Jesus is living in us).

I have even found out that many of such people who do not want to properly bless their marriages, have either fondled themselves intimately, kissed passionately, or indulged in wrongful sexual activities before the final day of the customary rites. In several instances you will discover that the lady is pregnant already, and the violation is being hidden and covered with an excuse to “cut matters short” and marry quickly.
Others have no self-control (due to sexual addiction, mind controlled by pornography, personal sexual weakness, shallow spirituality, un-committed Christian lives, and even sometimes being mere church attendants without the Holy Spirit living in them), and do not therefore have any urge to die to themselves and open their hearts for holy things of God.

When the person (or people) plays a special role in church or in our lives, is a close relative or a special friend, donates money to support us, provide important resources for us, and is prominent, we are intimidated by the help, support, power, position, or threats, and we therefore gloss over their sins and mistakes, and support the one to do the wrong thing.
We rather come down hard on other people who fall into similar situations in the church, group, or community, who appear powerless and distant from us.
Sometimes the person (or people) violating the marriage principles is a son or daughter of a church leader on the same board with you, or very close family friend or respectable and powerful or rich parent or family member whom we are afraid of offending, and we therefore prefer to offend God by keeping quiet or compromising with scripture, and ultimately plunge everyone into God’s judgment rather than pleasing God with the right instructions and taking a firm righteous position on marriage and family matters.

Many others also do not simply understand marriage itself, or are very ignorant about marriage according to the Bible (including even some counselors and church leaders in some instances who mislead the people with wrong counseling and poor example).

We should distinguish between any prayers offered by pastors or men and women of God during an engagement (customary rite) ceremony which is only prayer to bless the food, drinks, articles presented, and the ceremony in general.
People have mistakenly taken any prayers at the beginning and end of the ceremony, and especially for the man and woman, as “the real blessing of the marriage”.

Why don’t we do not do the same for baptism, Holy Communion etc. Can we, for example, start partaking of Holy Communion in church, and simply start eating the bread and drinking the wine without any formal introduction of the sacrament, reading of appropriate scripture, praying on the bread and wine, and letting the participants enter into prayer of preparation, with the argument or excuse that we prayed at the beginning of the church service, and even engaged in good prayer and worship before announcing the communion, so everybody should come and grab some bread and wine and enjoy the communion? We must do things orderly and with the required reverence.

If we study the Bible carefully we can see God’s ways and God’s character. We should know that our God is very orderly, and will NEVER accept anything that we do carelessly and lightly that He has instituted to be revered, respected, and done His way in a God-fearing manner, for us to receive His full approval and blessings.

One of the problems is that carnal and worldly people have hijacked weddings by making the ceremony cheap and unsanctified with all kinds of meaningless ceremonies at the beaches, parks, restaurants etc.
In all cases, if it is the real blessing of a marriage, then scripture should read by an ordained servant of the Lord, appropriate prayers must be offered, and there should be vows exchanged, because marriage is a covenant relationship (which should not be broken).
Marriage is the highest human institution on earth compared with the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:21-33).

A Covenant is made with words as taught by scripture (e.g. Psalm 89:34). The man and woman must therefore exchange some vows to create and agree on a permanent covenant bond between them. Family members and friends present at the ceremony are witnesses of the vows that the husband and wife make to each other, and the witnesses are required to pray and offer any future support for that specific marriage to become fruitful and successful.

If you know that you made mistakes in the past before you married (or during the process of marrying), then the best thing to do is to accept your disobedience or ignorance, confess your sins and ignorance to God, plead for the Blood of Jesus to wash both of you (husband and wife), and ask God’s Holy Presence to be with you in order to receive all the blessings that God has originally planned to give to your family, and to also close all open doors for satanic attacks (present or in the future) on your marriage and family life.

We need to clearly explain and teach people (youth and young adults in particular) what steps to take and marry properly according to God’s principles, and when they can live together under one roof, share one bed, and indulge in intimate sexual activity for God to smile and say: “Yes! You are doing my will. I am with you. Receive my blessings!”

Our children and the young ones in our churches and society are getting mixed messages from too many violations, compromises, bad examples, and failed relationships among the adult folk, especially their parents, older family members, leaders in our communities, and leaders in our churches.
Young ones are already exposed to too many raw materials for sin (pornography, demonic movies and games, filth at home, immoral ideas at school and on the streets etc.), and are therefore sinking into more confusion and lack of productive focus, with constant exposure to our loose and unprincipled marital activities and wayward love relationships.

Let us make every offered to establish the best Biblical principles and excellent family values for our marriages and family lives, in order to leave a good legacy for our children.
If we fail to do this, then the present moral decadence and degradation of family values, will plunge the next generation into marital recklessness, chaos, doom, and gloom that will promote the breakdown of the traditional family which is the foundation of the church and every productive and successful society!

Copyright Nov. 2008 Rev. Dr.Samuel A. Kisseadoo (Professor of Biology, Hampton University, Hampton, Virginia, USA)
Founder and President, Fruitful Ministries International Inc., 6 Red Robin Turn, Hampton, Virginia 23669, USA.
Ph 757-7289330 Fax 757-7289335 kisseadoo@msn.com

Searching For A Godly Wife?

WHAT A GENTLEMAN SHOULD LOOK FOR IN THE LADY OF HIS CHOICE
It is widely known in all cultures that a man usually takes the initial step in proposing to a woman for marriage. This process has the benefit of causing the man to commit himself more to the task of loving and caring for the woman of his choice. But, what are the standards he must employ to guide his desires and recognize the desired traits in a particular woman in order to choose her among the thousands around as his wife?
Men must remember that the affection of a male is more prone to wander away to other women than it is for the affection of a female to easily sway to other men. Unless a lady has not found her security in the arms of a real loving, honest, and caring man, most women will make less sexual exploits outside of their marriages than men will do. Since you have to make only one life-long choice of a wife for a permanent bond, a man should patiently employ all his faculties (physical and spiritual), and be goal-oriented in his choice. Men are creatures of sight, and can make disastrous blunders by merely falling in love at first sight. They can be swayed by feelings and attractions of graceful feminine body features to jump aimlessly into marriages, only to give problems to themselves and their wives later on, and cause untold suffering to their children.
As I mentioned before, there are fundamental and essential differences between men and women, which dictate specific needs of the different sexes. These needs have very strong influences on what to look for in the other person in order to fulfill that need. When there are expressions of dissatisfaction, conflicts, nagging, and fights in a marriage or family, the final interpretation is not just “incompatibility” as people often say, but the sudden realization of the husband and wife that their needs are not being met in the marriage relationship. They begin to crave for essential ingredients they ought to have opened their eyes and apply all their senses to explore long before they concluded to make the other person part of their lives.
We are always told that we “fall in love” with a person before we marry the one. As much as there is some truth in this concept, I often prefer to advise people to “walk into love” rather more, by guarding their affections carefully with wisdom.

I have listed a few important qualities that a gentleman has to look for in the right woman of his dreams, which will make him conclude that he has made the best choice for a wife. I must caution that you will fully know some of them only when you actually live with the woman, but in all cases, through conversation, interactions, and careful observations, you can have sufficient ideas to work with. I believe that the best woman of your choice must be:

1) HUMBLE AND UNDERSTANDING —- Not domineering or demanding. She must be willing to submit to the good leadership of her husband. No man can live with a woman who always wants to “bulldoze” him around to do her bidding, and cannot patiently help him to be the good leader he has to be for the family. Taking time to listen to the man and giving appropriate responses, with humble inputs.
2) RESPECTFUL —- A woman who respects herself and has a heart and attitude of respect for her man. A woman who will not bring disgrace to the husband and family by her words and behavior before others, especially in public.
3) MODEST —— Not worldly or sophisticated. The fineries and nice articles are good for the enhancement of appearance, but she must not make flamboyant dressing her goal, and be in the habit of parading herself in the most expensive clothing and jewels in town. Someone who knows the elegance of a real lady that issues from decent and wise way of dressing.

4) NEAT AND TIDY—- concerned bout cleanliness and personal hygiene. Always taking pains to let herself and her environment look and smell good. Having the appearance and aroma that invokes true love and devotion in a man for a woman. The first test is

the state of her kitchen and ordinary clothing, followed by her bathroom, and then her bedroom.
5) DOMESTIC —– A joyful homemaker. Willing to spend time at home and get the place organized. Having a heart to welcome and entertain visitors. Consistent, proper placing and arrangement of items at home. Supporting the man to bring essential ingredients needed to run a happy and productive home. Not gallivanting aimlessly outside at the expense of her home. Not neglecting important household duties.
6) GOOD COOK —- Learning and knowing how to cook good and savory dishes. Concerned about balanced diet and new recipes, and proper administration of food for the family. Not selfish with her food.
7) DILIGENT —- Not lazy in character. A lover of productive and beneficial work for the family and outsiders. Keeping work scheduling times and not dragging her feet to perform simple chores.
8) HONEST —-Telling the truth and keeping promises to earn integrity. Sincerely and quickly admitting wrong, and willing to do better. Giving appropriate responses to the honesty of the man.
9) CHEERFUL AND HOPEFUL —- Not moody or constantly pessimistic. Sweet and attractive to interact with, and not repelling outsiders with an unwelcome attitude. Not constantly expressing fear and unbelief that will always hinder the progress of the family.
10) NOT A NAGGER OR SHORT-TEMPERED —- A peacemaker who is not noisy and contentious. A patient, graceful, tender, gentle lady. ABLE TO CONTROL HER TEMPER AND WORDS. Someone who is not a brawler. Not having the habit of finding fault, scolding, and complaining. Not a grumbler who cannot be easily pleased. Women must know that nagging demoralizes men and diminishes their confidence.
11) GOOD COMMUNICATOR —- Making a conscious effort to build intimacy with the man through verbal, written, and bodily expressions. Sharing her heart, and seeking to engage her man in good conversation. Sharing her joys, sorrows, and problems sincerely. Able to express her affection and appreciation verbally.
12) ROMANTIC AND LOVING —- Not just sexy in appearance and attitude, but having the willingness to satisfy her man with good romance and practical love when they marry. Having the right attitude towards purity before marriage, but not possessing a negative, selfish mentality towards sex that can starve the man sexually in the marriage and create problems of infidelity and lack of fulfillment.
13) NOT GREEDY, ENVIOUS OR SELFISH—- Not mean or self-centered. Not living a life of comparison with others and developing a spirit of envy, greed, and jealousy. Genuinely thinking about the welfare of others. Willingness to share what she has, including inherited wealth or property. Ready to extend love to family and friends. Giving the right treatment to in-laws. Not making secret deals behind her husband.
14) HELPFUL, CARING, AND ENCOURAGING —- Desiring and making every effort to support the man. Standing by him through thick and thin, no matter his weaknesses. Encouraging him by all possible good means. Having a sincere desire to help others to be prosperous and happy. Having a heart of service without discrimination, and seeking to help you out unconditionally.
15) GRATEFUL —- Thankful for the man first, and all good things that come her way as a result of their relationship. Able to have a heart of gratitude and expressing her gratefulness for little gifts first, and big ones as well.
16) HAVING FINANCIAL WISDOM —- Not a lover of money. Honest with money and spending. Ability to use money wisely without incurring debt for the family. Not obsessed with shopping. Buying items that are really not important at a particular time. Willing to help the man to make a reasonable budget. Joining her husband to plan for the future.

17) FEARING GOD AND HAVING GOOD MORALS —- Respecting God. Someone who loves the Bible and its daily application. Responsible church member. Someone who delights in holiness, purity, and excellent family values. Morally upright. Having respect for her own sexuality and its appropriate use.

As I have always underscored, it is more important to BE THE RIGHT PERSON than just looking for the right person. That is the only way to recognize the right qualities in the other fellow.
Every man should have it firmly fixed in his mind that without his good and Godly leadership as a husband, and his unwavering love, he will ruin the best woman given to him in any marriage.
Gentleman, please remember that the lady is also looking for the right man with excellent qualities that will provide her with the love, care, and security she crucially needs.

WHAT A LADY SHOULD LOOK FOR IN THE MAN OF HER CHOICE

What do you set out to really look for in a man in order to choose him as a prospective husband—someone you will share your entire life with permanently on earth? This is a vital question many ladies pose to me frequently. Since the man will usually propose to the woman, she must also have a set of standards that will guide her to give positive or negative response.
Again, the fundamental and essential differences between men and women that dictate specific needs of the different sexes should be among the overriding factors for her ultimate decision. If she decides to go with a man who does not know the value of women, she is in for a trouble. The vital needs of women have very strong bearing on what to look for in the man who will be used by God to fulfill those needs.
I have listed below a few important qualities a lady has to look for in a good man of her choice. Again you will notice that some of the qualities overlap with those that a man should look for in a woman, but both sexes often manifest them in different ways. These qualities are:

1) HONEST —-telling the truth, keeping promises to earn integrity etc.

issea2) GOOD COMMUNICATOR —- making the effort to build intimacy with the lady in his life. Sharing his heart, and seeking to be a good conversationalist. Sharing joys, sorrows and problems sincerely.
3) LOVING GOD’S WORD —- respecting God as the Creator of mankind and marriage. Studying and applying His Word, referring to it and relying on it in speeches, planning, and decision making etc.
4) PRAYERFUL —- depending on God for guidance and strength through prayer.
5) RESPONSIBLE CHURCH MEMBER —-active and serviceable member of a good Church.
6) EXHIBITING LEADERSHIP —-able and desiring to take initiative in leadership, and helping others to follow along for the accomplishment of common goals.
7) SELFLESS—- not selfish or mean. Genuinely thinking about the welfare of others. Willingness to share what he has, including inherited wealth or property. Ready to extend love to your family and friends.
8) CARING HEART—- sincere desire to help others to be prosperous and happy,
especially you (the lady). Having an attitude of service without discrimination. Seeking to help you out unconditionally.
9) HAVING TIME FOR PEOPLE —- making time to give individual attention to
people, especially women. Able to have the time to listen patiently to what you have to say.
10) NEAT AND TIDY—- concerned bout cleanliness, decent dressing, home orderliness,
and personal hygiene, which will enable him to support the wife and children in the home. Making the effort to look and smell good.
11) DILIGENT —- loving to do good and profitable work. Working to completion. Not
running away from work that demands effort or sweat.
12) HAVING TRUE LOVE —- sincerely loving people without manipulation in order to use them. Love that gives to others rather than getting from them. Planning to do acts of love by carefully observing people to sense their needs.
13) HAVING A CAREER OR JOB —- must be doing some work which will enable him to support his family, and provide them with financial security. Having or developing a career for income as well as self-improvement.
14) WISE AND GENEROUS WITH MONEY —- not selfish or mean with his money, and willing to share his money together with the woman for the needs of both of them. Generous with money that will help family members and friends. Wise with spending, and not financially reckless.
15) FEARS GOD —- Loves holiness, purity, and excellent family values. Morally upright, having respect for women and their sexuality, and believing in the appropriate use of sex. WON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH OR SEXUALLY FONDLE AND POLLUTE THE LADY BEFORE THE MARRIAGE IS OFFICIALLY CONTRACTED AND BLESSED BEFORE GOD.
16) HAVING RESPECT FOR THE WOMAN’S FAMILY AND HER CULTURE —- A man who does not despise the kind of family or culture that the woman belongs to. Willing to mix with the lady’s family members, relate well to them, and become a blessing to them. Accepting the good cultural values of the lady (but helping her lovingly to change any outmoded or destructive traditional practices and ideas)..
17) KNOWS THE WILL OF GOD FOR HIS LIFE (what God has called him for, why he is still alive). He may not fully know but is sincerely serving God and is seeking to completely find out God’s ultimate will, and so “needs a woman as a HELPER to discover and do God’s will”.

As I have always emphasized, it is more important to BE THE RIGHT PERSON than just looking for the right person. That is the only way to recognize the right qualities in the other fellow.
Lady, please remember that the gentleman is also looking for the woman with the best qualities that will satisfy his needs.
So far as we live in humility and obedience, God will ensure that we finally get the right people in our lives to accomplish His will in all areas of our lives. Even when we make mistakes that are sincere ones, He knows how to rescue us out of every mess and redirect our courses to accomplish His purposes.

Copyright, May 2003. By: Rev. Dr. Samuel Kisseadoo (Professor of Biology, Hampton University, Hampton, Virginia). Founder & President, Fruitful Ministries International Inc.
6 Red Robin Turn, Hampton, Virginia 23669 USA Phone 757-7289330 Fax 757-7289335
E-mail: kisseadoo@msn.com

THE IMPORTANCE OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE

The family unit was designed by God as his primary earthly tool for manifesting Himself, portraying His glory to mankind, receiving and carrying out His commands on earth, and as the center of worship for God’s Kingdom on earth.
Marriage is the only earthly institution that God compares with the relationship between Christ and His Church (His Body) — Eph. 5: 24-27; Rev. 19:7-9.

God set up three major institutions at the beginning of time:

Institution of Marriage — Genesis 1:27-31 & 2:18-25.
Institution of the Church — Mathew 16:18; Col. 1:18; Acts 2:47; Acts 20:28.
Institution of Government — Romans 13:1-7.
YOUR MARRIAGE COMES FIRST

Of all three institutions, marriage is the highest on earth, followed by the church (its pastors, ministers, different servants, and all the saints). Any form of good government, society, or nation, must therefore flow from good marriages and productive families, accompanied by good, spiritual, fruitful churches and their leaders.

Marriage is the foundation for the family, and families are the foundation for all societies and nations. We have to note that God instituted marriage before the church was founded. Your marriage and family life should therefore be your highest priority, and should receive the maximum attention more than your education, work, position of authority or responsibility, ministry, and other activities or ambitions.

The following are some of the major factors that underscore (emphasize) the importance of Marriage and Family Life:

1) The Family Is The Foundation Of The Church And Every Nation
Genesis 1:26-31

God created one man and one woman to marry and form the institution of family at the beginning of time, in order for families to manage and enjoy what God created on earth. The family unit is the foundation of every other institution, community, and nation. Show me a weak church or nation, and I will show you the weak families in that church or nation. Conversely, a strong church or nation implies strong families within that church or nation. If we focus on building healthy and strong families, our ministerial, community, and national plans will succeed and yield better results, and our citizens will also be more responsible and united.

2) God’s Blessings Are Family Blessings
Genesis 12: 1-3

God originally planned that families should be the channels for all of His blessings for mankind. Every blessing of God that comes into your life is, in reality, a blessing for your family. Your success or failure is therefore not for you alone; it is for your home and family first, and for everyone else around you as well. The first thing God did to the first married couple (Adam and Eve) was to bless them (Genesis 1: 28). After the sin and fall of man, God made fresh plans to use His covenant with Abraham and his family as the point of contact to bless all other families of the earth.

3) The Family Is The Best Name Used By God For All Believers In Heaven And On Earth
Ephesians 3: 14-21; Galatians 6: 10.

Apart from the term “Body of Christ” which is commonly used as a term for all believers in Christ (The Church), the term “Family” is the best that God uses for all Believers in Heaven and on the Earth (Ephesians 3: 15). Another term used is “Household of Faith” (e.g. Galatians 6: 10), which also pertains to family life. God refers to all those in Heaven and on earth that belong to Him as His family, connected by His tremendous power and love. The term “family” is the best that God could use for all universal Believers in the Lord Jesus Christ (Christians), plus those in Heaven. Indeed, all Christians share a common Holy Spirit (Spirit of Jesus or Spirit of God), and share common biblical principles that create a common bond for the Church (Body of Christ). Nothing else can best describe this strong bond of fellowship apart from the concept of family. Our family connections and obligations should therefore constitute the strongest connections we have in the world.

4) God’s Executes His Plans On Earth Through Family Lines Of Inheritance
Mathew 1: 1-17

When I first accepted Jesus and became a Christian 38 years ago (1969), I usually skipped the reading of Mathew 1: 1-17 and began from Mathew chapter one verse 18, whenever I opened that part of the Bible, because it appeared very boring and meaningless to me. After a while I came to understand that without that portion, the Bible would not even exist, because the whole of the scriptures centered on all those families mentioned. The genealogy, beginning from Abraham, finally gave birth to the earthly family of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. God emphasizes the importance of family by taking time to enumerate families, and even attaches the names of fathers to the names of His servants (e.g. Isaiah the son of Amoz – Isaiah 1:1, or Nehemiah the son of Hachaliah – Nehemiah 1:1). It is even true among us, that we usually derive our own lessons and inspiration by recounting the names, bravery, and achievements of our parents, grandparents, the ancestors of our families.

5) God’s Covenant And Revelations Are For Our Descendants And Families
Genesis 17: 1-12; Deuteronomy 29: 29; & Isaiah 54: 3, 13

God seeks to make a Blood covenant through the Blood of Jesus with anyone who is His child in Christ. The covenant of God is a divine, spiritual, unbreakable agreement that is designed to affect and all the generations of the person. God reveals or shows things to you (including showing or confirming to you whom to marry, what career to pursue, what ministry to engage in etc.) in order for you to obey and worship Him, especially you and your children and other family members. God considers the family unit so important that He does not do anything on earth without some reference to family, children, or generations. One of God’s primary purposes is to pour enough of His grace and blessings into families for them to become a blessing to others, and transfer the physical, spiritual, and social legacy to children in the family who will in turn pass the good things on to their children. This is why God gives children in marriages — to build very strong families that are spiritually sound under the control of the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Families that humbly manage His resources and blessings wisely, train their children to do the same, and promote the expansion of God’s Kingdom, are the best families.

6) Jesus Came To The Earth To Save Mankind Through A Family
Mathew 1: 18-25

God’s ultimate salvation plan was through a family — Joseph and Mary, the earthly parents of Jesus. It is important to note that when God decided to finally come down from Heaven to save mankind, He chose a prospective husband and his wife in a family setting, to be born, dwell, prepare Himself, and minister to us before finally laying down His life to die for us on the Cross. Is it wise then, for many of us to ignore our spouses and other family members when making plans or engaging in activities, which ultimately affect them as well? How many marriages and families are having problems today and are even dysfunctional, because a husband, father, wife, mother, son, daughter, or some other family member would not become humble and communicate properly, or involve other important family members in a project or day-to-day activities for better results? It is true that we should avoid unnecessary in-law and other family interferences in marriages and other family affairs; but that is not a legitimate excuse for self-centered lifestyles that cut off other family members or even a spouse, in order to be greedy and enjoy good things alone in an un-loving and selfish way.

7) God Placed Family In The Middle Of The 10 Commandments
Exodus 20: 12-17

God considers the family unit so important that He put family in the middle of the 10 Commandments (Commandment number 5). Honoring your father and your mother was the first Commandment of God with a promise attached — for longer life on earth. It is the first of the Commandments that formed the basis of the other Commandments that detail our duties to man. The common saying: “Charity begins at home”, is therefore true, isn’t it? Your main character is molded in the home where you lived and was brought up. How people see you outside is exactly how you are at home and among your family members. Unfortunately for us, parenting started in the sinful state of man, and is a tough assignment. But that is no excuse for doing a poor job by not training children under your supervision to learn how to respect authority, use resources wisely, become honest and diligent, build moral character, and take responsibility for their actions. When parents and adults open their hearts to the Spirit of Jesus as their Lord, and teach children to do the same, the training becomes easier as the entire family meditates daily on God’s word, and enjoy fellowship with God in constant prayer.

8) God’s Work Is Designed To Be Done Effectively By Families
Nehemiah chapter 3

When Nehemiah was re-building the walls of Jerusalem, the project was accelerated and done effectively because individual family units, or family leaders and their followers within the community, teamed up enthusiastically and labored diligently alongside other families and groups. Each family was assigned a specific portion of the wall to construct, and everyone did a great job. The strongest labor unit within each nation or society is the family unit. In the olden days, most of the farming was done by groups of families, and families run many of the businesses, which later became family inheritance. No matter your calling and your gifting or resources, you are never alone in ministry without your family. The name you even carry around is a family name, and everything that happens to you affects everyone in your family.
It is unfortunate how many married Pastors, Evangelists, Other Ministers and Church Leaders are running ahead with their ministry and other services without any proper plan that involves their spouses and other family members in an appropriate way. Other ministers go to the other extreme by instituting meaningless ordination of their wives and children who sometimes have no calling at all in specific roles that they force them to occupy, simply because of the selfish motive of being in full control of the ministry as their personal property that no outsider should have a significant share in. We do not discount the fact that God could lead you in His will, to commission your spouse, son, daughter, brother, sister, uncle, aunt, sister, or in-law to occupy a higher office in your ministry or church, or be in charge of affairs after you have retired or died. But, this should be sanctioned by God, who is the real owner of every church and ministry, and must be in line with the gifts and calling of your child or family member in whose hands you are entrusting God’s holy things. It should not be engineered by your own personal desires and wishes, or motivated by an attempt to copy what you saw another minister doing, or trying to twist some portion of scriptural text as a pretext to execute your personal ambitions.

9) God’s Promises And Blessings For The Church, Are For Families
Acts 2: 37-39

When the New Testament Church was formally born (inaugurated by the Holy Spirit) on the Day of Pentecost, the Lord spoke through the Apostle Peter and firmly stated that the promise of His salvation and redemption through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ was for us, and for all of our children down the generation lines as well.

10) God’s Salvation Is Designed For Families
Acts 10: 2; Acts 16:31, 34; Acts 18: 8

God designed His salvation to be a divine plan that saves and delivers an individual plus his family members. It is never the will of God for you to be saved, while He refuses or neglects to save your parents, children, spouse, or other family members. God wishes to save our family members, but we must cooperate with Him and play our expected part which God cannot execute for us. It is our duty to persevere in prevailing prayer for our family members in order for them to be saved and delivered one day. We must ensure that we study and know God’s word, and live holy, orderly, consistent lives that convince them that the Christian life we live in the Lord and by His power, is worth embracing wholeheartedly. Our unsaved loved ones and outsiders must see that our lives preach the true gospel that declares loudly through our actions that Christ has abundant life and many other precious gifts to offer those who accept and live for the Lord.
This why Paul told the Jailor: “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved, you and your household” (Acts 16: 31). God’s salvation is for your household — your entire family, including everyone who lives in your home. In counseling, I have always encouraged people with unsaved loved ones to use this verse in the Bible as one of God’s promises that we can stand upon to pray for the salvation of our loved ones.

11) The Family Is A Small Church
1 Timothy 5: 1, 2

Every church is made up of families that form little churches within the big church. A strong church implies strong families within that church, or vice versa.
“Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity” (1 Timothy 1: 1, 2).
In this passage, God instructs us how to treat each other as church members. The words ‘father’, ‘mother’, ‘brother’, and ‘sister’, are all derived from family life. It means that we are to be trained to know these family categories and their meanings at home, and bring to church and use the father, mother, brother, and sister concept to organize our churches and be able to fellowship together very well. Therefore, if parents, guardians, and elders, do not take time to teach children and young people how to respect designated authorities in their homes and families, they grow up to be irresponsible adults who do not know how to respect and treat people properly. They consequently bring this spirit and habit to church. One role or purpose of the church then, is to teach people the value of family life and its vital components. We therefore come to church to learn how to become better fathers, mothers, brothers, and sisters. Then we go home to practice the scriptural principles we received, and return the next Sunday to thank and praise God for the fruit we produced during the week, especially in our marriages, homes, and family interactions.

12) Obedience, Training, Love, And All Values, Are Centered In The Home And Family
Ephesians 6:1-9; Colossians 3: 18-25

Family values are the foundational values for successful life, rooted in God’s word. It is the home and its associated family life that we learn how to love and share all things, pray, study God’s word, forgive, practice diligence, take responsibility for our actions, and learn all the necessities for a successful life. The raising and training of children to become mature, healthy, responsible, and fruitful adults, take place in homes and families. The home and its family life setting is where obedience and fear of God are taught for the first time, and that is where fathers give the first impression about God the father to children. Children and adults alike learn to be responsible and disciplined in our homes and families. If we do not recognize these factors and expect any persons or agency outside of our homes and family circles to accomplish training and impartation of values for us, then we have grossly misfired, and will reap the tragic results of failure in human lives, including even active church members and church leaders who pay no special attention to their home and family affairs.

13) Talents, Gifts, And Skills Are Developed And Blossomed In Homes And Families
Psalm 128; Proverbs 31: 10-31

During the processes of home activities, marriage relationships, and family interactions, all of our talents, gifts, and abilities are properly developed, tried, used, perfected, and further prepared for greater application to bless others. Adults impart their wisdom, talents, trades, and skills to growing children as well as adults who take time to master their individual skills, and young people take after their parents, elders, and mentors.
The true qualities and value of a woman are ultimately brought out and exhibited in a marriage, home, and family setting. It is the duty of a husband to live in obedience to God’s word, love his wife, encourage the woman to grow to full maturity, and develop all of her talents and skills to support the husband and family (Psalm 128: 1-4).

14) God Designed His Word For Successful Family Life
Isaiah 59: 21; Deuteronomy 29: 29; Acts 20: 20; Psalm 128;

God planned that His word should produce its ultimate and eternal results for successful marriage and family life. If marriage is the only human institution compared with the relationship between Christ and the Church, then any word for mankind is intended to finally produce its lasting effects on marriage and family life. Every word from God for an individual or group should finally become a word for the family that the person or persons belong to. When we obey God’s instructions and receive God’s grace and God’s blessings, we deposit the end results in our marriages, homes, and families.

Copyright Nov. 2008 Rev. Dr.Samuel A. Kisseadoo (Professor of Biology, Hampton University, Hampton, Virginia, USA)
Founder and President, Fruitful Ministries International Inc., 6 Red Robin Turn, Hampton, Virginia 23669, USA.
Ph 757-7289330 Fax 757-7289335 kisseadoo@msn.com

WHAT MEN AND WOMEN WANT FROM MARRIAGE

MEN WANT RECREATION WHILE WOMEN WANT CONVERSATION

For any successful marriage, romantic association, or any form of meaningful relationship, I focus a lot on dealing with the fundamental needs of men and women, and what each gender is naturally wired for in a relationship. Couples as well as young adults in love relationships engage in needless fights because of the ignorance in understanding these fundamental differences in needs. Let us now turn our attention to the subjects of conversation and recreation. While men desire recreational companionship, women desire more of conversational companionship.

Universally more men delight and engage in sports than women. More men than women will do and die to participate in or watch several games in the playing fields of the world. Although both genders enjoy games to different extents, the majority of women would not sit up for hours late in the night watching football on television as men do. There are several recreational activities that women do not even get involved at all in many countries. There are a number of husbands who desire to have their spouses or even daughters to accompany them to their favorite games, but as much as some females wish to do so, the majority of wives and females do not get excited about the recreational activities of their men or husbands. That recreational activity will have more meaning to a woman if the man engages her in conversation while the game goes on.

Most often that is not the case, and in many instances it is not even possible to engage in any serious conversation while the game is going on. Unless it is a special game where a daddy or husband has a special performance that the wife or family needs to be present as a gesture of honor or encouragement, the wife or female companion might just be sitting down while the man alone enjoys with his male friends.

We know that in every relationship both partners wish to hear nice and satisfying words from each other in all matters of communication. Females, however, naturally crave for more words from the lips of men. The female gender is naturally wired to be a creature of the ears. Which means that women are more auditory than men. Males on the other hand are wired to be creatures of the eye. Men are therefore more visionary in orientation.

These basic differences cause women to desire more conversation in every marriage or close relationship. Any man who is a good conversationalist will always draw more females to himself than a man who is a lesser or poor conversationalist. No woman will truly enjoy any marriage with a man who does not communicate properly and converse well. If communication and conversation are poor in a marriage, a woman cannot enjoy sexual activities with the husband as well — the two go together. I have already pointed out that sex is the deepest form of communication between two people. Women would love to surround any man who converses with them very well, and especially tells them nice things that make them feel valuable in life, and especially makes them feel worthy and important in the life or company of a man. I am actually saying this from experience. I often say that: “Rich conversation and affection equals the soil in which women grow.”

I have emphatically pointed out in all of my marriage and family counseling as well as seminars, the important truth that: “Communication is the blood of all relationships.” The whole idea of marriage or any love relationship starts with communication when a man proposes (speaks, communicates) love to a woman, or a woman dropping hints about her love interests and intentions to a man. A female responds to the proposal of a man with communication as well, and says yes (or sometimes no). The man is therefore expected to continue communicating very well with the woman in various forms throughout the marriage. The best form of communication in every marriage or love relationship is conversation. Wives strongly desire good conversation from their husbands. Remember that although men also want good communication from their wives, a man is a leader and an initiator, while women are naturally responders. The communication and conversation of a woman will largely be in response to the kind of communication and conversation the man initiates with the lady, and thereby draws responses from the woman. Both the quality (how rich and essential) and the quantity (how much or low long) of the conversation should be taken into serious account.

The level of communication and conversation must be upgraded along with the needs of the relationship between every man and every woman as the marriage or love relationship progresses through different stages. Every man must learn how to start a good conversation, and also learn how to spice up his conversation initiatives from time to time, according to the needs of the occasion. He should watch out for negative factors that hinder or destroy conversation initiation or richness in the marriage or love relationship. Chief among these enemies of communication and conversation are: unresolved conflicts, resentment, dissatisfaction with an aspect of the relationship, selfishness, pride (that will not, for example, make you admit wrongdoing or say sorry), domineering and controlling spirit, competition instead of love, fear, shyness, unfaithfulness (flirting with another person), and nursed anger that is not voiced out. This topic is so essential to all marriages and relationships, and all of us muct recognize it as such, and make every effort to communicate effectively and maintain the fire in our relationships.

CONVERSATION IN LOVE RELATIONSHIPS

The level of communication and conversation must be upgraded along with the needs of any productive relationship or marriage, and every husband (or male fiancee) must learn how to start a good conversation, which will elicit a conversation response from his wife (or female fiancee). Wives can initiate good conversation too, if they need conversation but their husbands would not talk. Both partners must learn how to upgrade and enrich their communication and conversation quality and content at different levels in the marriage or love relationship.

You will notice that at later stages in a marriage when old age chemical and physical changes do not allow the couple to enjoy much sexual intercourse, the richness of their general communication and conversation will keep the romance still sailing triumphantly on the waters of marital love. Every couple must therefore vigilantly look out for enemies that destroy communication and conversation in any love relationship.

I always cite wrongdoing (sin) as the first enemy of communication and conversation. Why did Adam and Eve run away to hide from God in the Garden of Eden, and broke their communication with God for the first time? It was due to disobedience (sin). Anytime any friend or lover is hiding from another friend and would not communicate when no conflict at all has occurred between the two people, then there is at least 90% chance that the one who is hiding his or her communication and avoids interaction, has something wrong or fishy to hide as well. Any time a husband, wife, or fiancée does something wrong that hurts the relationship, hides the truth about a matter, tells a partial truth, or flatly lies to your face, the insincerity and guilt build a huge communication barrier in the person’s mind and heart, and will by all means block conversation between you and that guilty person.

The question of conversation initiation and continuation with a spouse or fiancée is a tough battle for many couples, and we want to discuss it a little more. Many women (who naturally love words from men) complain that either the husband “is too quiet “, “does not talk much”, “does not tell me his private matters”, “hides things from me”, “does not give me full information about important things”, “does not respond well to my questions or conversation initiatives”, or “turns every conversation into a fight”. Sometimes the complaints are from the man. In the future we shall revisit the whole subject of effective communication, but let me make a few points here about conversation:

1) Lack of fulfillment in a marriage or love relationship will always hinder conversation. You need to honestly and critically examine the genuine needs and interests of each other, and make every effort to fulfill them as much as possible in a reciprocal way.

2) Learn to say “sorry” very quickly as soon as you realize you have offended your partner. If it is a serious offence like fornication, adultery, neglect, physical abuse, financial cheating, revealing of an important secret to someone, denial of sexual or other need, domestic laziness, plunging of the family into disgrace and shame with a scandal etc. then you need to make special time to give your mate all the facts in honest dialogue, make genuine confessions, team up with him or her to prevent future problems, show by your word and deeds that you have truly repented, and work hard to open up the active lines of conversation again.

3) Even if you do not see where you went wrong but your partner complains that you have offended him or her, be wise and humble enough to open your heart to God and the person and sincerely say “I am sorry”, without allowing the devil and the pride of man to take advantage of the situation and develop a conflict or tension out it, and hinder conversation.

4) You must make a firm commitment to become a good conversationalist. Recognize conversation as a vital pillar for the survival and progress of your relationship, and learn how to initiate good conversation. Study to know the practical methods of engaging in meaningful, educative, edifying (building up), and heart-warming conversation. Observe how others converse, and read literature about conversation.

Some factors that will enable you to initiate and sustain good conversation are:

a) Look for common ground. For example the same dress, same school, same opinion, same opportunity, same experiences, same or similar dress etc., and even the two of you having the same problem, could be used to initiate conversation.

b) Develop a good sense of humor. Learn to create or share healthy jokes at the right time, and respond to jokes and humor of your mate properly.

c) Avoid statements, questions, and behavior that destroy conversation. If someone does not feel intimidated or put down by your words, actions, and behavior, the one will come closer to you without fear or concern, and enable you to initiate conversation with him or her. You should let wisdom and love control your words, deeds, and attitudes, so that your mate will desire drawing closer to you rather than being repelled by your words, actions, and behavior.

d) Learn to be romantic and affectionate. Good romance starts and promotes warm and excellent heart-to-heart conversation between lovers. Romance refers to your whole loving and affectionate attitude and actions towards a lover. For example: gentle touching, smiles, good laughter, hugging, kissing, loving looks, gentle and affectionate approaches, sweet and loving words said with gentleness, tender treatment and affectionate gestures, little gifts given frequently and with meaning, enthusiastic giving of helping hand, preferential treatment (allowing him or her to go first or take it first etc.).

e) Participate very well in sexual intercourse and sexual initiatives if you are married. Your good sexual participation becomes a springboard for conversation to roll. If your partner is sexually starved or unsatisfied, he or she will not desire to converse with you, or give the right responses to your conversation initiatives.

f) Learn to share. Unconditional and unselfish sharing of yourself and your resources will motivate rich conversation. The discussions about the resources and the sharing processes will even constitute conversation as well.

g) Show interest and be involved in your surroundings. Develop interest in current news and needs around you. Get the latest information in town, look out for needs and concerns around you, and turn them into subjects of conversation.

h) Study your partner for appealing elements of conversation. Every man or woman has specific subjects and interests that easily draw him or her into conversation in those areas.

i) Don’t talk too much. We are to talk very well and converse very well too. But if we exceed our speech limit and go overboard in our conversation by being verbose and winding in endless talk, then the receiver gets tired of you, and would not want to converse with you anymore. Learn how to engage in short term (casual), as well as conversing for a longer period of time.

j) Make good use of conversation opportunities. Eating time, entertainment time, shopping time, waiting time at a place (doctor’s office, bus stop etc.), both of you awake and lying in bed, time on the phone, doing work or project together etc., are opportune moments to initiate good conversation.

k) Don’t be boring. Know when and how to change subjects of your conversation appropriately otherwise people will be turned off by your continual harping on the same topics in several conversations. Exhibiting a good sense of humor and showing liveliness in your speech and actions at expected times, will also make you more enjoyable to be listened to. Being unduly repetitive in making a particular important point of yours also makes you sound boring, in addition to making you a bad talkative person instead of a good conversationalist.

Copyright June 2006 Rev. Dr.Samuel A. Kisseadoo (Professor of Biology, Hampton University, Hampton, Virginia, USA) Founder and President, Fruitful Ministries International Inc., 6 Red Robin Turn, Hampton, Virginia 23669, USA. Ph 757-7289330 Fax 757-7289335 Email: kisseadoo@msn.com

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